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Please read my story and give me feedback to make it even better!
My Story thus far is titled, "A Punishment of Tengu" that will hopefully captivate you guys with a good adventure story that might not have the ending you expect. Please visit My Website if you have the time to look over it. Thanks!
Hi Jasmine! I really like how you started with questions, it really pulled me into the story and made me curious. Questions I have after reading is why is this/me/the boy chosen to help Yumiko?
ReplyDeleteYou said ""Onis are considered very bad beings" but then later spoke of how a Tengu Oni is good being or bad being. Are Oni demons or are they spirits that can be demonic or angelic or whatever they choose to be? I am also confused to what a Kamis is - it seemed like this was a priest of the Shinto religion, but then you said he had the intention of an Oni - I am a little confused, are Kamis and Tengu the same being? was Tengu pretending to be Kamis to get the girl as a sacrifice?
Something you might add is a minor line referencing why the lord was rash and what made him so manic he sacrificed his daughter.
I like the options you have at the bottom!! Really great story, can't wait to read more!
Hi Jasmine!
ReplyDeleteI love how your story is set up kind of like a game - the questions at the bottom are so cool! I also like how the story started as if it was talking straight to you. This is a really cool idea and I have it bookmarked to see what you do each week!
I am however, a little confused by all the names and titles that were given without any explanation. As someone who hasn't read much of the Japanese stories - I think I would like little more explained without having to do the research.
Have you thought about adding just a little bit more detail or making the paragraphs shorter so they are easy on the eyes?
Other than this, I really liked the direction the story is going in and I can not wait to see it develop week by week! I think this is a really awesome idea and one that I am excited to keep up with!
Hello Jasmine! I really love how you set up your storybook in your introduction. Giving the reader a chance to actually interact with the story is such a fun a creative idea. Personally for my being able to interact with the story really made me more interested and worked at drawing me in. Also I thought your story was absolutely wonderful on the way it was worded, you have such a good way with words that the story really comes alive! One thing I would suggest though is to maybe give a little more clarification on people in the story. As someone who doesn't read Japanese type stories I sometimes was confused in the story just because of the lack of knowledge that I had. I wonder what is going to happen next in the story though and how you are going to play out the interactive part, I can't wait to find out in the future!
ReplyDeleteHey Jasmine,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to start off my comment by just telling you how emerged I felt right at the beginning of the story! The idea of throwing a character on the reader is a great one! I felt like it was a video game the entire time. The background of the culture was helpful, but it seemed to be a lot of information at once, so I might try to give some space or more unique descriptions.
I also want to touch on the ending of the story which incorporates 3 buttons. I loved that it was so interactive that it took you to another page depending on how you answered, but once I got to the page I was a little underwhelmed. I think if you added some more detail to the links I think it would be out of this world.
Hi Jasmine!
ReplyDeleteThe layout and design of your site (at least seen on mobile) is a great choice. I think the subtle greyscale gives the words a nice emphasis push, and the use of questions, rather than statements, sets the tone for a more active reading experience.
I also really like that the introduction reminds me of a video game. There's a lot of background in a short amount of time, and the text is charged with emotion. This is pretty unique, and I really like it.
Hi Jasmine! I love that you chose to write this Storybook in second person point of view! I don’t see it very often, but it works so well in your story to make the reader feel like they are a part of the story. I also think it was genius of you to add the questions at the end of each story that let you choose which path you want to take. That’s so fun! I liked that you included so much information in your introduction because I am not familiar with this mythology, but sometimes it felt more like an information dump than a story. Maybe Yuuta could have learned all this information from someone or something that is relevant to the story?
ReplyDeleteIn Story One I enjoyed the formatting of the page, with the picture and then the paragraph beside it, that really helped me to visualize the setting better.
Hey Jasmine! I enjoyed reading your Storybook! It’s very bold of you to write it in second person point of view! That’s hard to pull off, but you’re doing well with it! I like having the options at the bottom of the page, and I’m excited to see if you add any branching options as the story goes on. Maybe multiple endings? I love the Japanese theme of the story because I don’t know a lot about the culture and I’m always excited to learn more.
ReplyDeleteI think I started to grasp the story more as I finished Story One, but I was confused a lot, especially about the Kamis/Onis/Tengu. At first I thought Tengu was the name of an Oni, which is a demon that impersonated Kamis (good spirits) but I’m not sure that’s right at all. I would make sure that you’re being consistent about what everything is, and whether it’s good or bad, false or true, and I’d really love an Author’s Note where you briefly explain Shinto religion (which I know nothing about except for the cool arches) and the Kamis/Onis/Tengu thing. Just to be a reference for your readers.
Otherwise, I really like where you’re going with this story, and I hope that our hero can succeed in his quest! Keep up the good work!
Hi Jasmine! This was my first time visiting your site and I really enjoyed it. The layout of the story is great, the paragraphs are short enough that you can easily finish one and really want to move on to the next. I like how your story starts off kind of mysteriously with the questions. Its really interesting that you wrote in second person, what made you want to do that? It sounds great so I think you made the right decision. The constant photos in story one was a great idea because it gave me a visual through every part of the story. I have never read the story you are basing it off of so the authors note and the introduction were a really good start to your site. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHi Jasmine - I am back again! I was so eager to read the update of your story and where it is going. I think it is so interesting that you were doing it like this. I thought it was interesting that no one believed Yuuta. I relate to that because I feel like I always have things figured out but no one believes me when I feel like I am right. I was wondering even though it would be a lot of effort - ave you thought about putting a different story for each option, like a choose your own story? I think that would be a lot fo work but I think it would make for a cool make your own story.
ReplyDeleteRight when I clicked on your Storybook I was intrigued. The question of “Can you save her?” made me instantly curious and want to read more! It is a great attention grabber; so is the photo you’ve chosen. The introduction is a really great story to read. It is fun while also serious. The poll at the end is a great idea! This is so creative. I am really enjoying this Storybook. How did you get this idea to write this story? How did you get the idea to create the Storybook the way that you did? It really adds a lot to the whole ambiance of the website. I think that you could maybe add a little more clarification of the characters throughout the story. It gets a little confusing. Your author’s notes and bibliography page is really helpful. It gives a great breakdown of the terms. Is there a reason why you made a separate page for this rather than adding it to the end of your story? Just curious! This was a really great Storybook!
ReplyDeleteJasmine!! As always, I love any time I happen to encounter you in this class, and it just so happens you were my first option on the randomizer. I loved reading your storybook and I love how it is set as a kind of "choose your own adventure" story. It reminds me somewhat of a video game or even those short, scary novels middle school libraries would have to see if you make it out alive or die at the hands of some monster. It was such a wonderful and creative idea and it definitely made this the most interesting storybook I have read so far. I am really interested to see where the story takes us, or rather, where we decide to take the story since we get our input in what happens next!
ReplyDeleteI do wonder if you will actually be writing three entirely separate stories for whether or not the reader chooses the dense forest, the straight path, or the mountain? Since, I noticed, for the first question of "can you do it" all answers led to the same page, when the readers branch off depending on the paths they take, will it all somehow come together? I guess that is something I will have to wait for to find out. Overall, lovely storybook and I cannot wait to see what else is in store!
Hi Jasmine!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job with your introduction and first story. I like the idea of letting the readers pick their own path. It makes them feel more included in the story and the process.
I also like that the introduction and first story carry the same theme with the same header and background image. It makes it feel like it truly is all apart of the same story. I also like all the added images on the story page. You could have chosen just one but you added more to carry the reader through the story with images.
I will be looking forward to see if it actually leads to three different stories based on the path you picked and which one actually leads to finding her.
The only thing I would say to add is more clarification on exactly who it is that is going after Yumiko. We know their name is Yuuta and they are young but that is about it. Clearly they are going to be a big part and need a better introduction. I would say either on the intro page or at the beginning of the first story just describe them a little better.
Otherwise, good job!
I absolutely LOVED reading the Choose Your Own Adventure series as a kid, so I was very excited to see a choice at the bottom of your first story. I also think that adding a separate page for your Author's Note and Bibliography was a great choice. The terms and definitions listed on this page were super helpful too! The page titles for both the introduction and the notes page were too long for the navigation bar though. If you look at the right hand menu when you're editing your website there's a section at the top labelled "Pages." This menu will allow you to make the titles that appear on the navigation bar to be shorter while keeping the original, longer titles on the headers of the individual pages the same. The way you split up your paragraphs into different text box sections for the first story had a really cool effect on the background that I like! The writing itself was wonderful. I was really able to feel immersed in the story. I'm a little confused on who the speaker is though. Are they just a narrator or are they a character who will appear later in the story? Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteHi Jasmine! What an interesting website you have going! I love how you give the reading purpose in your introduction. The choices "Lets do it" "I guess" and "probably not" made it so fun. I also like how dramatic the first story starts out. It really goes with the them of the website. Your website has dark colors and gives off kind of a spooky and intense vibe and you definitely get that with your writing too. I think you are doing a great job of making an entertaining website for us all to enjoy. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHi Jasmine! I'm actually enrolled in Indian Epics, but we're doing a little cross-over and I'm so glad that I ended up on your page! I love reading young adult fiction and your story really reminds of that style of writing! You did a really great job! I liked how it felt like you were giving me the details of my mission, but at the same time you were telling the audience the plot for the whole story. I can tell you put a lot of work into your website as well and it was definitely worth it! The option thing you did at the end of your introduction was such a great idea and it ends an interactive flare to your story! I'm going to have to come back next week and read your first story!
ReplyDeleteHi Jasmine! I was pretty excited when you came up on my random list. I think your story is so cool and exciting... I still love the idea of choosing your own, I would love for it to have more options and different stories! I think that would be a cool option for it. I don't know if you have seen but your top tab for story one just says story one, I do not know if that is a mistake or not. It is so easy to look over something when you spend so much time looking at the website and cultivating it as your own. I really love where this story is taking me. I can imagine myself in it!
ReplyDeleteHey there Jasmine,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to let you know that I was extremely excited to read your story from the start when I saw that it was interactive. I've only come across one other student so far that had an interactive story and it was very fun to read. The only thing that I feel like you could do a little more with is make the choices feel like they have more of an impact on where the story takes you. Even something so simple as a different beginning can make it rather effective. I also have to ask, did you choose the name for this character, or was it something from within the story? I know the two components of the name, Yuuta and Todoroki are pieces of the names of two characters from some very popular anime. I was just wondering if you shared an interest in anime, because if that is where the name comes from I think it is a good and creative way to name a character of your own!
Hi Jasmine! I am so glad I picked your storybook as a random selection. I have yet to see a storybook be so engaging. The introduction was vital to understanding what the rest of the storybook was about, and not only did you make it clear, you made it personal to connect with the audience. You put out a call to action, which ever fails to attract the attention of your audience. Story one was great too, it developed the story quite well. One note is that the rest of your storybook is so creative, choose a better tab title than story one! I hope that I come across your story again because the checkpoint bummed me out! Also, good touch on adding your biography, authors note and all other additional links to your work. Your creativity is awesome!
ReplyDeleteHi Jasmine, I am back again and I was so glad to see you had more content for me to read, more paths for me to take. I chose the mountain path and then to ask the wolf for help to get to the checkpoint. I can not wait to see how the story ends! I have to say I am so impressed that you are able to write so many stories for all the different paths! While I did not go through to click through the other path choices to see what those came up with (I did not want to distract from my own path), I just have to applaud you for being able to write such good stories for all the choices, since I am sure it can get exhausting. The only thing I noticed was for the mountain path before you click the wolf or thread path, in the last paragraph I think you meant "What if it had children to feed, and guided you towards a more ravenous path" instead of "and guide you". Other than that, everything else is amazing. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHi, Jasmine! First off, I have to say that I really like the layout of both your website and your blog! I think they are both very aesthetically pleasing and they go along with the theme of your project very well. The first page of your website definitely peaks the readers interest and makes them wonder what they are about to read. I like the way you set it up to be a question and almost a challenge. I have not seen any other student do that with their project this semester, so that was really fun to see. I think your writing style is very unique and interesting, which makes reading your stories very fun and exciting. Your writing style flows very nicely, and I do appreciate the writing you do and how you change the original version of the stories into your own versions. I definitely cannot wait to see how you decide to end your project, and I think you will write another amazing story! Overall, I really like everything you have done and I hope you have a great rest of your semester!
ReplyDeleteHey Jasmine!
ReplyDeleteI am incredibly impressed at how well put together your project is. Not only is each path through the story well written but the images are totally relevant and definitely helped me visualize the scene in my mind as I read through. I think the introduction provided the reader with the perfect amount of information - enough to understand the situation but little enough to spark some curiosity. I followed each of the different paths and had a very enjoyable time reaching the checkpoint. There truly isn't a whole lot I would suggest changing. If I were to suggest anything it would be to look into maybe having a different background photo for the "Dense Forest" path because it was a little straining on my eyes to read at some parts. Also, this is the first project where I've seen someone create an entire page dedicated to author's notes and I thought that fit very well with the style you chose for your writing. Other than that I think you've got an excellent project here and I look forward to reading more in the future!
Hi Jasmine! I am so impressed by how much effort you put into your story... it is so complex! I love how interactive it is and how the reader gets say in what happens. I played all the way through, and then went back to Story 4 to play all three endings. I chose ending 3 the first time I read and want back to see if all the ending were happy, but now see I picked correctly the first time! I really like how your Introduction gives readers information for your story; it was really helpful to understand what was going on in the rest of the story. I liked how your have different "sections" as you read the story. The images help break the text up and make it easier to read; however, there are a couple times that it was a little difficult to read the text when it was over a light part of the image.
ReplyDeleteHi Jasmine!
ReplyDeleteFor starters, I really liked how your introduction set up what your storybook was going to be about. Having such a description of who exactly the character is helps to lay down the setting of what's to come. Your introduction gave me such excitement to continue on and read what stories you created! The way you began your first story with, "Rage. Confusion. Devastation." created so much feeling and emotion for me. Having these three intense words propels the audience into further reading. Throughout that story you kept the theme of internal turmoil of the character alive in the audience in everything you wrote which is a very good detail to have in your writing. It essentially keeps us captivated. Plus, the way you designed you storybook with the formatting of your words and the incorporation of pictures that help emit the emotion you are portraying was an excellent feature! Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook! Great job!